choose your battle
Hiii,
Happy Friday to my fav group of people!
The weekend is calling my name, and I’m ready to do…nothing at all, if I’m lucky TBH.
I think I’m in my “I'm not coming” era right now. 💅
Like, I'm not going out…I'm going to stay in my bed and read, and I'm really loving it for myself.
But before that happens, we’ve got a spicy Q&A today!
First up: what happens when your biggest culture problem is also married to the CEO? Yes, really.
Then we’re switching gears to a classic debate that never dies: unlimited PTO vs. accrued time off.
No easy answers this week, but I think we’re kinda used to that these days, so let’s discuss!
P.S. Ready to submit a question? Send it in here, and you might be featured next Friday! 👀
ASK AWAY
🌶️ PTO & wivesCopy anchor linkCopied
✍🏾 I need advice on how to handle our head of marketing who is also the CEO's wife. She bulldozes others, belittles jr team members and refuses to compromise with anyone.
Context: A 40 person company with half of our team in the UK, we are funded through series A, working towards series B in 2026. The CEO and founder began the company in UK with his wife running marketing. She has burned so many bridges in the company, most people just stay away. She has a new employee and is in the office more than ever (typically she's part time) I am head of HR and from my understanding this problem has existed the entire time, so I don't know how to handle it. I brought my report to the COO.
📣 Rosetta Williams, Sr. Director, People Talent & Culture @ Immigrant Justice Corps:
You're in one of the hardest positions in HR – the spouse/founder problem where the power dynamics make traditional HR interventions essentially impossible. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I'm glad you escalated to the COO. That was the right move.
**The hard truth:** You can't "handle" her in any conventional sense. She's not accountable to normal organizational authority structures, and the CEO isn't going to manage his wife the way he'd manage any other executive. You've already identified the pattern – people avoid her because that's their only viable strategy.
What you need to know from the COO conversation:
- Does the COO acknowledge this is a problem? If they minimize it or deflect, you know where leadership stands.
- Is there any appetite to address it? Not "fix her" – that's not happening. But are they willing to create boundaries, limit her scope, or protect junior employees from direct exposure?
- What's your authority to act? Can you intervene when she belittles staff, or are you expected to manage the aftermath quietly?
The fact that this has existed "the entire time" and she's now in the office MORE tells you everything. There's no hidden solution leadership hasn't tried. This is who she is, and this is what they've decided to tolerate.
Your realistic options:
Document patterns without naming her directly – track turnover, exit interview themes, engagement survey data (if you have it). Build a business case around the cost of this behavior: recruitment costs, lost productivity, institutional knowledge walking out the door. Frame it as organizational risk as you head toward Series B. Investors care about leadership team dynamics and retention.
Protect the new employee and junior staff – this is where you have the most immediate impact. Create channels for them to report concerns. Coach them on setting boundaries. If she crosses clear lines (harassment, discrimination), document it thoroughly even if you can't act on it immediately. You may need that documentation later.
Set boundaries around HR authority – be very clear with the COO about what you can and cannot do. If you're expected to clean up her messes but have no authority to address the source, say so explicitly. "I can support employees after these incidents, but I can't prevent them from happening. What's the plan for that?"
The question you need to answer for yourself: How long can you do this job effectively if this doesn't change? Because it probably won't change. She's burned bridges for years and is still there.
At a 40-person company heading into Series B, you need a functional leadership team. If half your company is avoiding one executive, that's not just an HR problem – it's a business problem. But if the CEO won't address it because it's his wife, and the COO won't push back, then you're documenting the decline, not preventing it.
Next steps:
- Follow up with the COO: What came out of your report? What's the plan?
- Start documenting business impact in ways that don't make this about personality
- Protect your junior staff however you can within your authority
- Be honest with yourself about whether this is sustainable for you
This isn't a situation where there's a clever HR intervention that fixes it. This is a governance and accountability problem at the founder level, and those rarely resolve unless there's external pressure (board, investors) or internal crisis (mass exodus, lawsuit).
I wish I had better news.
📣 Tara Turk-Haynes, Founder/Consultant @ Equity Activations:
Honestly, like Rosetta said, this is one of the hardest parts of this job. This becomes a conversation about what's really important to the business at this young stage and using your position as a People SME. If we keep one person in the company who eroding the business from your external reputation to your internal operations, that road to the Series B is going to be infinitely more difficult and possibly impossible.
This is when your core values, mission statement, and company goals come into play. How is this person contributing to any of those? Is she the right leader you need to take the business to another level or is she better off in an IC capacity? How much of this is documented? What's the history of this pattern of behavior? How much does the senior leadership or C Suite know? Has anyone ever talked to her? Are you able to use data to show how the behavior has an adverse effect on the company?
The rest is the job - protecting employees and the company from a liability standpoint, etc. However, I will say, you can't want to fix this more than the leadership does. People Strategy is a partnership and a shared goal so whatever you do, protect your peace and do what you can.
📣 Sondra Norris, Founder @ Strategic Culture Partners:
Given your company's current size and trajectory, I'd apply some sage HR knowledge about what will be required to progress successfully as an executive team and organization.
(1) Read the attached PDF about organizational lifecycle. Ichak Adizes and his institute have done all the heavy lifting to research that 99.99% of companies in your position go through all of these lifecycle stages. There are problems at every stage. The point isn't to eliminate the problems, it's to create a team that can recognize them and deal with them quickly and effectively. What you're seeing is already an abnormal problem where people are focusing on the people instead of focusing on the business and its problems as it grows and scales. Abnormal problems allowed to fester are what bring companies to a halt - addressing them is what allows companies to eal with normal problems of growth, scale, and operations. Every time I've introduced this to a leadership team, it has deeply resonated - they haven't known what to DO, that's where you come in.
(2) Take the executive TEAM through an intention exercise. In short they need to come up with (a) a collective statement about the leadership they intend to provide to this company and the humans in it - and that needs to become a promise to the company; and (b) an agreement about their personal leadership intentions relative to how they will operate together as a leadership team - their promise to each other, to be each other's First Team. There's a Mastermind in the Library about this (Leadership Intention).
In short, a group approach where you all come to agreement about leadership of the company and what that looks like, plus what it looks like to be a First Team (all on the same philosophical and behavioral page) will be more effective than going at her 1:1, it will create more sustained leverage for the whole leadershp team to continue engaging in better behaviors.
There are certainly likely to be issues on the exec team itself since she's the CEO's wife - beliefs about what can and can't be safely discussed. I'd recommend a 3rd party assessment of trust levels across 6 belief systems (because they can't tell you the truth since you're one of them):
THE THINGS THAT BREAK TRUST
1. Predictability
2. Leadership Credibility
3. Culture Alignment
AND THE COSTS OF THAT BROKEN TRUST
4. Relational Security
5. Commitment
6. Discretionary Effort
With data, they can address their internal problems and have a roadmap to cascade the same approach into the organization.
Your knowledge of social psychology is key here - not that you're talking about it, but you're using it to diagnose and solve these problems.
Safe Space members can join this discussion here. Not a member yet? Apply to join here.
✍🏾 Unlimited PTO vs a specified # of days off? How do you determine what the right PTO policy is for your company?
Context: A hot topic currently being debated at my company is why does HR make us accrue time off and why is it not just unlimited when we're at a startup where most people are working longer than expected hours. How do you determine what the right PTO policy is for your company?
📣 Elizabeth Wade, Head of People @ Earth Animal:
We’ve had great success with our unlimited “Flexible” PTO policy. We believe each of us can responsibly determine how much paid time off to take—in partnership with our manager and team and in alignment with role responsibilities.
Flexible PTO is about more than vacations. It’s about not stressing over taking a half day for a doctor’s appointment or stepping away to attend your child’s school play. In a world where work no longer fits neatly into a 9–5 schedule, we believe people should have the autonomy to manage their time in a way that works best for them. Since implementing this policy, we’ve seen increases in both productivity and engagement.
We also recognize that research shows flexible PTO can sometimes be used less than traditional PTO. To address this, our policy encourages employees to plan for a minimum of 20 days off per year. Over the past three years, we’ve refined the policy based on what we’ve learned. At its core, Flexible PTO is built on trust, accountability, and collaboration with your team. For it to work well, it needs a clear framework—and a willingness to adapt as we grow.
📣 Sylwia Chmielewska, Director of People @ BEMO Corporation:
We’re a startup as well, and we’ve intentionally chosen not to offer unlimited PTO. Based on what I’ve seen, unlimited PTO often doesn’t work as intended—many employees end up taking less time off, which increases burnout risk. Instead, we provide 20 days of PTO upfront with a use-it-or-lose-it policy where permitted (some states, like California and Colorado, don’t allow forfeiture rules, so we handle those differently).
To make this successful, we regularly remind managers to encourage employees to plan time off throughout the year. In practice, most of our employees use nearly all of their PTO annually, which is good for them and for the business—people stay rested, engaged, and less likely to burn out.
📣 Sirena Dimas, Employee Health and Benefits Consultant @ Marsh McLennan Agency:
I love this question. Time off is a vital benefit and often a subject for debate.
While unlimited PTO policies are great on the surface, they may pose challenges for reporting purposes in states where employers must identify, report and comply with a set hourly reward for hours worked (think sick leave policies or vacation). In these cases, it's quite possible that the HCM was setup to automatically calculate a running balance of accrued time off based on hours worked and put it into a specific time off bucket (sick, vacation ,etc).
Also, keep in mind - there are up to 28 types of leave currently recognized by companies across the country. Some are awards based on tenure (additional days/weeks), some are accruals (sick/holiday), some are based on circumstance (bereavement/disability), and some are there to use as the employee wished (floating holiday/mental health days).
There is no one size fits all regarding time off programs - and rarely are decisions around time off made flippantly.
If you're the employee in this scenario, the accrual may have an added perk - accrued vacation needs to be paid out at separation in some states (but not all, so check). Sick leave doesn't need to be paid out. Your HR team knows that distinction, and may have made the choice accordingly.
Safe Space members can join this discussion here. Not a member yet? Apply to join here.
🚨 ON YOUR RADAR
🎧 I Hate It Here Podcast: I'm always dropping new episodes with your favorite People Ops leaders! Until we return with a new season of guests, enjoy some of the greatest hits! Check it out on Spotify or Apple Podcasts!
⏳ Why does hiring still take forever? Rippling is hosting a webinar on Jan 15th for teams tired of approvals, compliance, and payroll slowing everything down. Learn how to move from approved role to productive hire with smoother onboarding and fewer last-minute fires!*
⛰️ Scaling HR is back this Spring with a cohort! If you're looking for professional development this could be an excellent starting point!
📚 What's the state of L&D in 2026? I'm hopping on a webinar with some friends to discuss what you need to know and how to prepare.
💰 Pay Transparency matters (but it's also difficult). That's why I created this course. Join the Safe Space community to access it, plus everything else you need to stay ahead of the curve.
*This one is brought to you by one of my amazing brand partners
📝 RESOURCE OF THE WEEK
Each week I feature a resource I love from the Safe Space library that I believe would be relatable to this week's newsletter topic.
This week, we’re walking through a hiring process. Check it out HERE ⬇️
FRIDAY FUN
😩 this week was alottttCopy anchor linkCopied
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Honestly, can 2026 start next Monday?
This week was a lottttttt.
Between the world and work there's a lot going on.
That's all for this week! I hope you enjoyed! If you have any thoughts, please let me know. I'm allll ears.
Reminder: Today is FRIDAY. 🙏
