the guilt trip edition

Hebba Youssef · NOV 7

Hi ya party people,

It’s Friday, which means it’s time for our collective group chat disguised as a newsletter! ☕

First up, we’ve got somebody wrestling with whether to stay at a company that no longer aligns with her values (but where she feels responsible for everyone else).

And another? Stuck covering for a boss in full-on personal crisis mode between legal issues and disappearing acts.

Both questions get right to the heart of what it means to lead with integrity without losing yourself in the process!

But before we get into those solutions, I need your help!

I’m prepping my 2026 travel schedule, and I wanna know…are you going to any industry events next year?

This is a super short survey that will help my team figure out where (and when) we should do some meetups in 2026.

Can you do me a huge favor and fill it out?

Kthx! Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

ASK AWAY

🤔 guilt & integrityCopy anchor linkCopied

✍🏾 Hi! I am struggling with whether to stay with my company or move on. My guilt comes from the people who work here and not wanting to leave them, though I know I am replaceable.

Context: I work as an HR Manager in manufacturing and have been here for 8 years. I don't agree with someone the recent changes, but I also want to have hope and worry about the people that are effected by the changes. I feel like if I am here, I can be a bit of a buffer :/ I am just having a really hard time staying somewhere that I don't believe in.

📣 Rachel Brewster, HR Administrator @ B&B Airparts:

I can relate. I left my previous HR Administrator (HR of 1) role for the same reasons and ended up having a few of the good employees follow me to my current role. After I left, I found out that things got much worse with that company's GM, and I felt guilty for leaving because I was able to help keep him in line and his short fuse under control.

Ultimately, I had to do what I needed to do to thrive in my field. If you feel like you are no longer able to have the positive impact on the company, start putting your resume out there and see where it lands.

I wish you the best of luck!

📣 Tyson Simmons, Director of Human Resources @ Hardware Sales Inc.:

That’s such a tough spot to be in! There are so many things to weigh when you’re thinking about leaving a job: pay, opportunities, timing…but honestly, the biggest ones are your health, peace, and sanity.

If the organization is moving in a direction that you don’t believe in and can’t influence, it’s worth asking how that lines up with your own values and goals. From what you said, it sounds like things are shifting into something you no longer want to be part of, and that’s a hard but important realization you've made.

I completely understand the “buffer” feeling and the guilt about leaving people behind. That’s real and valid. But you also said you’re having a hard time staying somewhere you don’t believe in. That kind of says it all. It sounds like your heart already knows the answer; your head just needs to catch up.

Life’s way too short to stay somewhere that drains you. If staying gives you real influence and a chance to create meaningful change, maybe there’s still a reason to hang on a bit longer. But if it’s just about cushioning the blow for others while you quietly burn out… it might be time to go.

📣 Sylwia Chmielewska, Director of People @ BEMO Corporation:

I completely understand where you’re coming from, many of us in HR feel that same sense of responsibility toward our people. It’s natural to want to protect and support them, especially when changes are difficult or feel misaligned with our values.

But remember: your well-being, your career, and your integrity matter too. You can care deeply about others while still making choices that protect yourself.

If staying is draining your energy or compromising your sense of purpose, it’s worth considering whether you can do your best work (and live in alignment with your values) in this environment. People will remember the kindness and impact you had, but they’ll also adapt, and over time, move on.

You’re not letting anyone down by choosing yourself. You’re honoring the same advice we often give others: to take care of your own growth and well-being first.

Safe Space members can join this discussion here. Not a member yet? Apply to join here.

✍🏾 As a direct report whose supervisor suddenly became unavailable due to a serious personal legal crisis, I was asked to conceal her absence and maintain the appearance that she was still working. For example, she asked me to drive her to the airport during an on-site facilitation meeting and then tried to pass my final report on the two-day meeting as hers. I didn’t feel it was my place to disclose her private situation to HR, but it also wasn’t fair or sustainable for me to cover for her or to give her credit for my hard work. What should an employee in my position do in a situation like this to maintain integrity and protect themselves professionally?

Context: <100 employees in a non-profit foundation

📣 Michelle Kolodziej, HR/Finance Manager @ Self Employed:

Your supervisor should have never put you in the position in the first place. Be direct and tell him/her that you are not comfortable or feel respected being asked to conceal. Document your situation and speak to HR.

📣 Alexandra E, CHRO @ Credit Union:

Hooooooo boy. Lot to unpack here.

::rolls up sleeves, clears throat.::

Your boss is so good at delegating that she delegated her existence at work? Wow.

Document Everything Immediately:

Keep contemporaneous notes of key interactions — dates, requests made, and any deliverables she attempted to take credit for.

Save relevant emails, texts, or project files showing your authorship or role.

Stick to factual, nonjudgmental language in your notes (e.g., “On October 25, she asked me to submit my meeting summary under her name”).

This record is your best protection if the situation escalates or if questions arise later about work accuracy or accountability.

Do Not Participate in Misrepresentation:

It’s reasonable to help a supervisor in crisis by handling urgent work, but not by falsifying authorship or pretending she is present when she’s not.

If asked to do something deceptive, keep your responses neutral but firm — e.g.,

“I’m happy to keep the project on track, but I’m not comfortable representing my work as someone else’s.”

That line keeps you compliant with professional ethics without directly disclosing her personal issue.

Seek Guidance Through Proper Channels:

You don’t need to reveal her personal circumstances — only that you’re in a difficult position operationally.

For example, go to HR or a higher-level manager and say something like:

“I’m struggling to manage workload and communication because my direct supervisor has been unavailable for a prolonged period. I want to make sure projects stay aligned and appropriately attributed — could you advise on the best way to handle this?”

That phrasing keeps it factual and non-accusatory. Management should understand what you’re implying and should step in appropriately.

Protect Your Own Reputation:

Ensure your contributions are visible elsewhere — through shared documents, meeting notes, or email summaries that show your involvement.

For instance, send follow-up messages such as,

“As discussed in the facilitation meeting, here’s the final report draft I prepared.”

This subtly clarifies authorship without calling anyone out directly.

Avoid Gossip or Speculation:

Even if colleagues start asking questions about your supervisor’s absence, keep your comments limited to:

“She’s currently unavailable, and I’m helping keep things running.”

Maintaining discretion keeps you above reproach and avoids the appearance of disloyalty or rumor-spreading, (even though - for the record- you seem to be running a one-person witness protection program.!)

If Retaliation Becomes a Risk:

If your supervisor or anyone else pressures you to lie or threatens you for not cooperating, that crosses into retaliation territory. At that point, go to HR or management above your boss, immediately, or if needed, escalate through an ethics hotline or legal counsel. As others have mentioned, cite the whistleblower policy to help protect yourself.

TLDR;

You don’t have to betray confidentiality to protect your integrity. You can (1) document, (2) avoid deception, (3) escalate neutrally, and (4) make your own work visible. That approach signals professionalism and transparency — and will hold up well if anyone reviews the situation later.

You’re so good that you’re not just a direct report, you’re apparently your boss’ stunt double?!

📣 Jennifer Zabel, Performance Management Specialist @ Wisconsin Dept of Employee Trust Funds:

If this person is absent from work but submitting hours worked to payroll, they are potentially committing criminal fraud. Don't become an accessory. I work for a state agency and any employee can come to basically anyone in HR to let them know some of this is going on. It would at least trigger a short internal fact finding that would probably morph rather quickly into paid admin leave while an investigation is conducted.

One good thing about an internal investigation is that it wouldn't be just your word against theirs. We would pull login reports and compare them with calendars and payroll submissions. HR would talk to the upline managers. As a state employee, we are also required to report any change that would be noted in a criminal background check, so if her serious legal issues involve a potential disqualifying action, that would also be part of the investigation.

Also, as Alexandra E mentioned, document everything that has happened so far and update that log until this is no longer an issue. Good luck handling a deeply distressful situation!

Safe Space members can join this discussion here. Not a member yet? Apply to join here.

🚨 ON YOUR RADAR

🎧 HR Horror Stories are back, and Jessica Winder joined to help me relive the chaos we still haven’t emotionally recovered from. From suspicious “sick leaves” to full-on witchcraft in the workplace, this episode proves HR really does see it all. Check it out on Spotify or Apple Podcasts!

🤖 Tired of demos that look flawless…until you actually buy the thing? Saaame. Join me for HR Therapy on Nov 19th, where we’re exposing the gap between what tools promise and what they actually deliver!

💡 Want some AI prompts that actually work? ChartHop just dropped a prompt library with 48 of them! You can copy, paste, and watch your workflows get smarter right away.

❤️ From ‘I Hate it Here’ to ‘I Love it Here’: Your Culture Transformation Roadmap. HR can influence culture change in any organization, and this course teaches you how. Join the Safe Space community to access it!

📝 RESOURCE OF THE WEEK

Each week I feature a resource I love from the Safe Space library that I believe would be relatable to this week's newsletter topic.

This week, we’ve got a Resignation and Offboarding Guide. Check it out HERE ⬇️